Saturday, I was on the beach, stealing a private moment with my family. Sadly I hadn't done this once in over 13 months. I had been consumed with work, Olympic swimming, promoting the sport I love so very much.
There were rules. I made the rules. While with my wife and daughter, I would not check email or Facebook, or make twitter updates, or vlog. Not for 24 hours. I told my wife this proudly, as if to say, see, I'm a good husband and a father, who cares about his family.
The central California coast was uncrowded, almost sleepy Saturday evening, and I couldn't help but shoot some video, and once the video was rolling, I spontaneously started to vlog:
I did have Phelps on the brain that day. Driving to the beach that song from his famous commercial thumped on my wife's iPod, so I grabbed footage of us racing over the highway. I figured I'd use it for a web-show I'm doing with a friend. Later that evening when I recorded the vlog above, I was thinking about Phelps a little again. It had been such a great year for swimming, largely due to him. I was so thankful and appreciative of his talent--his mother's sacrifice, his coach's sacrifice---thankful the swimming world had rallied around him.
I literally stopped the recording (on my camera phone) and it rang. I wasn't going to answer it. I promised myself I wouldn't, but Tif was way down the beach chasing Bayley. I thought, I'll just say hi, and let me hit you back later, whoever you are...
It was a friend and an editor of an online swimming site. "Have you seen the reports on Phelps?" he asked. I told him I hadn't. He said, "You might."
That night I ate dinner with my family outside, the sound of crashing waves just beyond the lamp light. My wife and I talked in code, semi-debating the Phelps situation. We couldn't really get into it with my daughter at the table. As the evening worn on, we walked the little beach town, played video games in an old arcade, ate junk food. We vacationed.
I don't care what the photo looks like, I thought. It's not Phelps, at least not until Phelps confirms it.
The next morning I woke up stressed, my back and neck stiff as a board. We ate breakfast in our room and watched Bob Costas yuk up Super Bowl football. Bayley, our daughter, got bored. She wanted to play out on our private deck in the hot tube. We let her, and I waited patiently for my wife to bring up the Phelps topic.
Tif's mostly head and I'm mostly heart. I dodged and weaved, putting a positive spin on every argument point. She was all business, contract morality causes, employee responsibility. "If you or I did this," she said, "we'd be fired." I couldn't say anything. I could only nod.
We debated the topic as adults, from that very short-sighted point of view. The gravity of the situation didn't occur to me until my daughter popped her head in from our private deck asking about drugs. She'd heard us, and she wasn't supposed to.
We didn't have "the talk" then. We dismissed the topic entirely. Moments later, as if on cue, Bob Costas read Michael Phelps' statement confirming that he was the guy holding the bong.
Our last day, our last five hours in the sun, was the best we've had as a family in a long time. No clouds. The was air cool, but warm enough for shorts. I collected sand-dollars with Bayley, and chased her on the beach as she laughed, zig-zagging back and forth.
It's easy to forget problems in the company of kids. They're all about the freedom of the present without a worry in the world.
I wanted to explain to Bayley what had happened with Michael Phelps. I was desperate to put the situation into perspective. I wanted her to know everything I knew. I wanted her to understand the circumstances. I wanted her to comprehend some level of truth.
My mind reeled, turning all the information over and over in my mind. I had forgotten how much of it was painful. World-class athletes live for very small slivers of celebrated time.
It's lonely training hours upon hours, logging 50, even 60 miles per week. As the years wear on you tell yourself, stay focused, it's all going to be worth it. You know the payoff, the personal gratification and honor of representing your country, owning that small piece of Olympic history, not to mention the endorsement and appearance money. Thousands take that path and enjoy the process. While it can be very lonely, there is also a unique camaraderie in shared pain. There's an unspoken closeness in tight circles. It makes it tolerable through the cycles of aching numbness, and near ecstasy when your body finally recovers and you feel superhuman. Your entire life as you know it is all senses; ravenous hunger, comatose-like sleep, and that gear you learn to find in your body when you know you've entered a place that no else has ever experienced.
Then you win, and then it's over, and suddenly you're lost. The world's inviting and loving as you float from city to city soaking up adulation that rings true, and sometimes rings very false. You've dreamed about this and wanted this since you were young enough to desire something real. When you get it, you know it's not what makes you you. You know who you really are is back in the numbing pain, in the trenches of endless work and safe repetition.
It's jarring when the training and competing lifestyle stops. It's abrupt and weird and you never quite feel right. Your energy's boundless, difficult to contain, and it's not uncommon for athletes to burn that fuel in other ways.
I knew what I was thinking wasn't revealing, but it's different when you've experienced it yourself. I spiraled after the Olympics. I made mistakes. I had moments out partying in public that thankfully pre-dated digital cameras. Few would want their life documented at the age of 23 for the world to see. All I felt on Sunday was worry and compassion for Michael Phelps.
He's back in the water anyway, I thought. He'll be ok so long as he has that. Michael will grow and mature and break more world records. He will continue to wow us with his talent. Swimming will keep him through this difficult time. Swimming was how he got here and it will be how he gets back.
Bayley, my daughter, was in state of bliss while I thought about all of this on the beach. She knew something was wrong. She knew it was about Phelps. Bayley has lived in a sort of Phelps Ph.D program since early 2008. I work from home and often show her my videos or read her my columns. She's well-versed in Phelpsian doctrine. She looked up to him because her I did, because I gave her long lectures on the artistry of the Phelps butterfly...
We talked about Phelps there on the beach. She was confused by the photos she'd seen on TV. I told her "Michael has won 14 Olympic gold medals, and no one can take that from him. Michael wasn't lucky or spoiled or privileged. He worked very hard for that accomplishment. But, what he did, what you saw on TV, that was a bad mistake. It was foolish, and trust me, he will suffer a lot of shame and embarrassment. There will also probably be consequences, a kind of punishment, but that's what happens when people make poor choices. I personally don't think Michael's bad. I think he made a bad decision. I think he's going to learn from this and go on to do amazing things. I know he will because he always has his swimming. A lot kids look up to him, and they should want to set goals and work hard and try to achieve. That's what we all learn when we watch great athletes. They are the example. They show us what we thought we couldn't do. But they are not heroes. They are only people. They makes mistakes. We all do--and unusually more than once. What you need to know is that when you make mistakes, it's not the end of the world. It's how you learn from them and move on that makes you a better person..."
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Flaws make celebrities more relatable, that's why Americans devour this type of story. We also like redemption. Although Phelps is electrifying in the pool, many outside of the swimming community find him a bit dull in interviews - a young man who speaks in well-scripted generalizations. Any storyteller would say the journey is much more interesting when there are bumps in the road, and these are Phelps' bumps. How he responds is what determines the quality of his character, and how great a champion he is.
Phelps will have his redemption in May, when he's allowed to compete again. There's no doubt, coach Bob Bowman is going to ride his ass like never before in the next few months. Payback's a bitch.
Sounds like you handled your daughter well by explaining that there will be consequences to this poor decision. You are your kid's best role model Mel... well done. This is a (big) speedbump but MP will be fine in the long run.
The timing of his admission is really part of the rule of 3 in the media. Good news lasts 3 days, bad news lasts 3 weeks.
The only way you can keep that exposure going, either good or bad, is by allowing there to be new news items available for reporters to go after. If Phelps doesn't come out with a Giambi-esque admission (which is no true admission at all), everyone would still be in the stage of "did he, or didn't he?"
Now, everyone has moved on to the support or condemnation stage, which is what follows every bad news item like this. It's just part of the process, and the sooner you start the process, the better. Kinda like mourning a death.
Glad you were able to take the time with your daughter to have an open and honest discussion about the Phelps situation.
Wonderful, Mel. I think it's true when people say you learn more from your mistakes and failures than your achievements and I only hope that Michael will grow from this experience. You eloquently explained the situation to your daughter in a way I hope other parents explain it to their children.
I still stand behind Michael completely. However I have had so many different feelings on the situation and I do think he should face a punishment and not be above the law. It is still illegal and we need to teach people that even famous people get prosecuted for the mistakes they have made.
My first reaction was shock - not out of the actual situation - but how foolish I thought he was for getting caught in a situation like that. If the indications in the articles I read were correct and this isn't just the first time he's done it, i'm not mad at him or shocked, because I know he is barely an adult himself, and he is also human. I don't see the drug as a "huge deal" however being aware and in control of your situation is essential. Michael let his guard down for a second and was sold out to the media.
I do feel sympathy and empathy for him. It must be extremely tough being in the public eye all of a sudden with every single move published in newspapers around the world, and every mistake blown up and receiving huge amounts of attention.
As his minor by 6 years, I have looked up to him for his achievements and dedication to every situation he puts his mind and heart to - in and out of the pool - and I hope that this situation continues to make him stronger in the years to come.
Thank you Mel for sharing your insight and thoughts on the situation, it was a great blog.
Deanna, I did twitter that he should've waited 24 hours. For last the 20 years I've worked closely with agents and pr folks. Most would've waited until after the Super Bowl to avoid so much exposure--Costas, the Olympic host, reading MP's statement on air. For the record, I WAS WRONG. If you make a huge mistake, you should own it and take responsibility immediately, especially when you're an Olympian.... Right now, MP needs to start rebuilding his credibility, and owning his mistake immediately was the first step. He (you) are absolutely right about that.... Thank you for your comment.
Mel, thank you so much for your insight. As a fan of Michael, an athlete myself and a law student, I admit I've run the gamut of feelings about Michael's current situation. As a fan I want to be ashamed of his poor choice to engage in such behavior while being a mentor and hero to so many young children...but part of me understands his need to let off some steam after putting his body and mind through the ringer for months on end (during the Olympics and after).
As a student, I get it. I'm a 21 year old attending college, and while I've never personally smoked, I understand the urge to let loose and experiment. If he doesn't make mistakes, how is he going to learn? How do any of us learn if we don't trip up and make some mistakes along the way?
As a law student and future legal professional, I have a few different emotions regarding the situation. Are we supposed to look at this as a role model slipping up and making a mistake for millions to see? Or are we supposed to look at it as someone doing something illegal and making an example of them for others? YES, he made a mistake. He's a human being...it's in our nature to make mistakes. Tis' one of the glories of our species.
I saw one of your Twitter updates, and my question for you is: why do you think he should've waited for 24 hours before (what I'm assuming you're saying) making a statement? I believe he and his people made the correct decision in putting the kebosh to the speculation early, but maybe there is something that I don't understand not having been in the situation of a professional athlete caught up in a scandal. No offense intended, I'm just curious, that's all :)
Lastly, I think you did a beautiful job explaining things to your daughter. I commend you for your careful but honest delivery and I think there should be FAR more parents like you in the world. Please keep up the great work!
Steve, thanks for your comment, but I hope you're not right. Here in the US most elite swimmers finish school and go on to very productive careers. (I know. At the USA Swimming Foundation a big part of my job is keeping the National Team Alumni informed. They're also very generous and supportive of "learn to swim" programs, our charity. Phelps is as well. You know he gave a million dollars to his foundation this year...) I think Phelps may be the exception--not getting a college degree--because he was so fast so early in his career. Now most male swimmers don't really rise to the elite level until after college.
As a parent myself, I think you achieved the delicate balance between putting responsibility firmly and rightly on MP's shoulders, and keeping your child's respect and liking for the man himself and his achievements alive. You've started showing her how to make sound value judgments without demonizing. Now that's a skill a lot of *adults* could stand to learn. Thank you for the combined swimmer/fan/parent (and sane) perspective.
Mel, I don't know if this can really be explained by a post Olympic low or depression (which I believe is quite common). Reports about the incident suggest that this isn't the first time that Michael has smoked pot.
I'm not really sure why people consider Michael to be a role model. In the five years since finishing high school he really hasn't made a serious attempt at a college education. That's not the example that I think kids should be following. I've always admired US swimmers for being the most educated in the world, but I worry that the rise in professionalism and public interest in the sport will lead to the situation present here in Australia; one-dimensional swimmers retiring at 26 without a college education or any employable skills.
Thanks Mel! i read a few angry comments from parents this weekend. I was really curious about how you felt because you are so dedicated to your family and swimming.
I don't have any kids and I'm a lot older then most of the people who consider Phelps their role model. but I do remember what i was like and how much athletes like Mia Hamm meant to me. Now my heroes are very different. What i admire the most about them is that they made huge mistakes in their lives. Things that really dwarf this situation, but what they did in spite of them amazes me. What really counts for me, and what kids can really learn from is how he continues his career after this embarrassment.
Mel. Wonderful, wonderful Mel. *Wise* Mel. I applaud you for this.
A month ago, I took ownership of the MPhelps_fans community over at LiveJournal. You're probably most familiar with one of moderators, the lovely Megan, who led me to your blog some time ago. Anyway, when I took ownership on the community, I started working on turning it into a news and media based community for fans, keeping it free of a lot of the gossip we've been subjected to during MP's time away from the pool. I'd like to think that we have the best group of genuine MP fans in the community--people who became fans because of the swimming, not because he happened to be the newest "hot topic" around.
Needless to say, since this broke Saturday night, the community was rocked. There was shock, anger, concern, sadness...you name it, we felt it. Your words in this blog perfectly describe what all of us have gone through in the past few days. As a community, we vented to eachother, working out our emotions...but what I was most proud of, aside from members telling me that they were happy to have a place to comfortably talk about what they were feeling, was that every single one of were and still are behind Phelps. 100%. And why? Well, you've articulated it wonderfully here. What a lot of us had suspected what might have led to this, you've confirmed with your own experiences. So thank you for that. We needed to hear it.
And as far as talking your daughter about the matter, my not being a parent myself, I can only imagine the struggle you were going through in addressing this with her. But it sounds like you handled it wonderfully, and I commend you for that.
I have to add that a lot of members of the community (myself included) look forward to your prespective, or rather, "words of wisdom" when matters similar to this arise. We appreciate your perspective, because it keeps *us* in perspective.
Thank you again, for your wonderful, wonderful words. We can't show you enough gratitude.
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Flaws make celebrities more relatable, that's why Americans devour this type of story. We also like redemption. Although Phelps is electrifying in the pool, many outside of the swimming community find him a bit dull in interviews - a young man who speaks in well-scripted generalizations. Any storyteller would say the journey is much more interesting when there are bumps in the road, and these are Phelps' bumps. How he responds is what determines the quality of his character, and how great a champion he is.
Phelps will have his redemption in May, when he's allowed to compete again. There's no doubt, coach Bob Bowman is going to ride his ass like never before in the next few months. Payback's a bitch.
Posted by: Swimmer Bill | February 05, 2009 at 07:04 PM
Sounds like you handled your daughter well by explaining that there will be consequences to this poor decision. You are your kid's best role model Mel... well done. This is a (big) speedbump but MP will be fine in the long run.
Posted by: Chris | February 05, 2009 at 09:45 AM
The timing of his admission is really part of the rule of 3 in the media. Good news lasts 3 days, bad news lasts 3 weeks.
The only way you can keep that exposure going, either good or bad, is by allowing there to be new news items available for reporters to go after. If Phelps doesn't come out with a Giambi-esque admission (which is no true admission at all), everyone would still be in the stage of "did he, or didn't he?"
Now, everyone has moved on to the support or condemnation stage, which is what follows every bad news item like this. It's just part of the process, and the sooner you start the process, the better. Kinda like mourning a death.
Glad you were able to take the time with your daughter to have an open and honest discussion about the Phelps situation.
Posted by: Jason | February 04, 2009 at 06:43 AM
Wonderful, Mel. I think it's true when people say you learn more from your mistakes and failures than your achievements and I only hope that Michael will grow from this experience. You eloquently explained the situation to your daughter in a way I hope other parents explain it to their children.
I still stand behind Michael completely. However I have had so many different feelings on the situation and I do think he should face a punishment and not be above the law. It is still illegal and we need to teach people that even famous people get prosecuted for the mistakes they have made.
My first reaction was shock - not out of the actual situation - but how foolish I thought he was for getting caught in a situation like that. If the indications in the articles I read were correct and this isn't just the first time he's done it, i'm not mad at him or shocked, because I know he is barely an adult himself, and he is also human. I don't see the drug as a "huge deal" however being aware and in control of your situation is essential. Michael let his guard down for a second and was sold out to the media.
I do feel sympathy and empathy for him. It must be extremely tough being in the public eye all of a sudden with every single move published in newspapers around the world, and every mistake blown up and receiving huge amounts of attention.
As his minor by 6 years, I have looked up to him for his achievements and dedication to every situation he puts his mind and heart to - in and out of the pool - and I hope that this situation continues to make him stronger in the years to come.
Thank you Mel for sharing your insight and thoughts on the situation, it was a great blog.
Posted by: Sara | February 03, 2009 at 07:04 PM
Deanna, I did twitter that he should've waited 24 hours. For last the 20 years I've worked closely with agents and pr folks. Most would've waited until after the Super Bowl to avoid so much exposure--Costas, the Olympic host, reading MP's statement on air. For the record, I WAS WRONG. If you make a huge mistake, you should own it and take responsibility immediately, especially when you're an Olympian.... Right now, MP needs to start rebuilding his credibility, and owning his mistake immediately was the first step. He (you) are absolutely right about that.... Thank you for your comment.
Posted by: goldmedalmel | February 03, 2009 at 06:06 PM
Mel, thank you so much for your insight. As a fan of Michael, an athlete myself and a law student, I admit I've run the gamut of feelings about Michael's current situation. As a fan I want to be ashamed of his poor choice to engage in such behavior while being a mentor and hero to so many young children...but part of me understands his need to let off some steam after putting his body and mind through the ringer for months on end (during the Olympics and after).
As a student, I get it. I'm a 21 year old attending college, and while I've never personally smoked, I understand the urge to let loose and experiment. If he doesn't make mistakes, how is he going to learn? How do any of us learn if we don't trip up and make some mistakes along the way?
As a law student and future legal professional, I have a few different emotions regarding the situation. Are we supposed to look at this as a role model slipping up and making a mistake for millions to see? Or are we supposed to look at it as someone doing something illegal and making an example of them for others? YES, he made a mistake. He's a human being...it's in our nature to make mistakes. Tis' one of the glories of our species.
I saw one of your Twitter updates, and my question for you is: why do you think he should've waited for 24 hours before (what I'm assuming you're saying) making a statement? I believe he and his people made the correct decision in putting the kebosh to the speculation early, but maybe there is something that I don't understand not having been in the situation of a professional athlete caught up in a scandal. No offense intended, I'm just curious, that's all :)
Lastly, I think you did a beautiful job explaining things to your daughter. I commend you for your careful but honest delivery and I think there should be FAR more parents like you in the world. Please keep up the great work!
Posted by: Deanna | February 03, 2009 at 04:21 PM
Steve, thanks for your comment, but I hope you're not right. Here in the US most elite swimmers finish school and go on to very productive careers. (I know. At the USA Swimming Foundation a big part of my job is keeping the National Team Alumni informed. They're also very generous and supportive of "learn to swim" programs, our charity. Phelps is as well. You know he gave a million dollars to his foundation this year...) I think Phelps may be the exception--not getting a college degree--because he was so fast so early in his career. Now most male swimmers don't really rise to the elite level until after college.
Posted by: goldmedalmel | February 03, 2009 at 02:55 PM
As a parent myself, I think you achieved the delicate balance between putting responsibility firmly and rightly on MP's shoulders, and keeping your child's respect and liking for the man himself and his achievements alive. You've started showing her how to make sound value judgments without demonizing. Now that's a skill a lot of *adults* could stand to learn. Thank you for the combined swimmer/fan/parent (and sane) perspective.
Posted by: Robin | February 03, 2009 at 02:53 PM
Mel, I don't know if this can really be explained by a post Olympic low or depression (which I believe is quite common). Reports about the incident suggest that this isn't the first time that Michael has smoked pot.
I'm not really sure why people consider Michael to be a role model. In the five years since finishing high school he really hasn't made a serious attempt at a college education. That's not the example that I think kids should be following. I've always admired US swimmers for being the most educated in the world, but I worry that the rise in professionalism and public interest in the sport will lead to the situation present here in Australia; one-dimensional swimmers retiring at 26 without a college education or any employable skills.
Posted by: Steve | February 03, 2009 at 02:44 PM
Melissa R, thanks for the comment.
And thank you too, Holly. I'm glad you have LiveJournal to talk this out....
Posted by: goldmedalmel | February 03, 2009 at 01:53 PM
Mel, thank you *so* much for sharing your thoughts. Holly said it beautifully-it keeps us in perspective. ;)
As a fan I'm with MP all the way. He'll grow up, learn from this and he'll make it.
Thanks again...that doesn't seem like enough to say. But thank you.
Posted by: Megan | February 03, 2009 at 01:50 PM
this is a very beautiful piece, mel. as always, thanks for the rare honesty and insight...
Posted by: rich roll | February 03, 2009 at 01:30 PM
Thanks Mel! i read a few angry comments from parents this weekend. I was really curious about how you felt because you are so dedicated to your family and swimming.
I don't have any kids and I'm a lot older then most of the people who consider Phelps their role model. but I do remember what i was like and how much athletes like Mia Hamm meant to me. Now my heroes are very different. What i admire the most about them is that they made huge mistakes in their lives. Things that really dwarf this situation, but what they did in spite of them amazes me. What really counts for me, and what kids can really learn from is how he continues his career after this embarrassment.
Posted by: Melissa R. | February 03, 2009 at 01:27 PM
Mel. Wonderful, wonderful Mel. *Wise* Mel. I applaud you for this.
A month ago, I took ownership of the MPhelps_fans community over at LiveJournal. You're probably most familiar with one of moderators, the lovely Megan, who led me to your blog some time ago. Anyway, when I took ownership on the community, I started working on turning it into a news and media based community for fans, keeping it free of a lot of the gossip we've been subjected to during MP's time away from the pool. I'd like to think that we have the best group of genuine MP fans in the community--people who became fans because of the swimming, not because he happened to be the newest "hot topic" around.
Needless to say, since this broke Saturday night, the community was rocked. There was shock, anger, concern, sadness...you name it, we felt it. Your words in this blog perfectly describe what all of us have gone through in the past few days. As a community, we vented to eachother, working out our emotions...but what I was most proud of, aside from members telling me that they were happy to have a place to comfortably talk about what they were feeling, was that every single one of were and still are behind Phelps. 100%. And why? Well, you've articulated it wonderfully here. What a lot of us had suspected what might have led to this, you've confirmed with your own experiences. So thank you for that. We needed to hear it.
And as far as talking your daughter about the matter, my not being a parent myself, I can only imagine the struggle you were going through in addressing this with her. But it sounds like you handled it wonderfully, and I commend you for that.
I have to add that a lot of members of the community (myself included) look forward to your prespective, or rather, "words of wisdom" when matters similar to this arise. We appreciate your perspective, because it keeps *us* in perspective.
Thank you again, for your wonderful, wonderful words. We can't show you enough gratitude.
Posted by: Holly | February 03, 2009 at 01:26 PM